Annie Tells All

Hey guys,
A few posts ago I asked what boasting of weaknesses looked like practically. About the same time, I started a journal, recording weaknesses of mine that God was revealing to me, and how He was working through them. Well, boasting isn't exactly boasting if it's kept to oneself. As a result of this epiphany, starting once a week as I am able, on a yet-to-be-determined day, I will post a weakness about myself. I will share this journal of my faults with the audience God has given me-- you! So hang on for this bumpy, ugly, humble ride, as Annie tells all!
~Annie

Weakness

photo credit

I don't trust people. People are dangerous, people are unreliable, people are pain.

      I've been wrestling with this for a really long time, although I didn't realize it until a year ago. Friendship always came really slowly to me because I didn't want to trust anyone with any part of me. I had to make sure they were safe first, that they wouldn't hurt me. I've turned into such an Ice Queen, that only the warmest person can thaw me out. Why has this happened? What has caused me to be such a stone-hearted girl?

Well, pain has. 

      I am number nine out of eleven kids, so I mostly learn by watching people. Let me tell you, the pain and betrayal that I have seen my siblings endure from people they thought were their friends has taught me much. It taught me that I should never trust myself to anyone. Even my closest friend doesn't see all of me. I've learned to wear a mask, to appear cheerful and friendly. I'll trust you with pieces of me that aren't vulnerable, but don't you dare walk past the big "No Trespassing!" sign on the deepest parts of my heart.
     I don't trust people. Oh, it's not their fault completely. We're only human, and when we befriend someone, it's not like we're plotting betrayal the entire time. But leaning on a person is like leaning on the ocean. It's constantly moving, surging, flowing in every direction. One minute it will thrust you high into the air, and you gasp for breath, thankful for this friend of yours. But just as quickly, it drops you, and you get caught in the undertow of friendship.
     So I have let my life turn me into a statue, an unfeeling Spock, and I have been safe. Nothing hurts me unless I allow it to. I've wrapped my heart in bubble-wrap, and     I    am    safe.

      But I am so lonely.

     We were made to be channels of God's love, reflecting the fruit of the Spirit into the world like light through a prism. We were made to be close to people, to love them, and when we're hurt by them, to mend with them. I'm like a river, all dried up. I don't allow myself to be close enough to anyone that I can love them. In fact, I'm not even sure how. God can't use me when I'm filled up with selfishness, because that's what this is. This is me trying so hard to preserve myself, looking out for number 1, that I miss all of the broken people around me who desperately want what I have hidden inside. As my dear cousin reminded me last night, I might be the only Bible they'll ever read. The only example of Christ's love in this world that they'd ever see. How dare I try to steal myself back from God's hand. I am not my own, I am His. I'm His little clay pot. And right now, I'm broken. I've broken myself, trying to keep myself from being broken.

     I want to go home. I'm tired of trying to do this all alone. I'm tired of being responsible for my safety. It's exhausting. I'm ready to let the Potter take me in His hands, and sculpt me into something useful. This life without pain has been a life without joy. When we obey God, we are filled with His joy, and loving people, which requires being close enough to them that they can hurt you, is the command that we have received. 

     To be honest, I don't really know how to undo this. Love is so foreign to me now, it's like trying to learn how to walk again. But I think the first step would be to trust God. So I'll close my eyes and remove this mask of mine that I've been wearing for so long. I'll put my hand into my Savior's, and take that first wobbly, frightening step. The first step towards brokenness at the hands of people. The first step towards healing in the hands of God.

Food for the Soul

I have a new favorite verse.

Revelation 22:20 "He who testifies to these things says 'Yes, I am coming quickly.' Amen. Come, Lord Jesus."



Amen. Come, Lord Jesus.

~Annie

Question time!

Hey guys. I'm back. :)
I actually need your help. I've been reading 2 Corinthians 12, and I wanted your thoughts on verses 9-10, although you would get a more complete view of where Paul is going if you read the whole thing. Here they are:

9 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

So this is what I'm trying to figure out: What does boasting in our weaknesses look like? What is an example or a circumstance where boasting in our weaknesses would come into play?

Any and all input is welcome :) I can't wait to hear your thoughts!
~Annie